musings from a girl who clears her mind at cemetaries -

I guess i just got lost
Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday

Having my own apartment will be a wonderful, new experience for me.  It will test my character, my desires, and my passions. It will force me to shake this spell I have been in of my laziness and all bad things that come with it.  I will have to do my own grocery shopping with my own money - I will not be able to afford 5 bags of chips and what not.  That is a good thing.  Living on my own will allow me to be responsible and allow me to grow.  It will give me a sense of purpose and of moving forward.  I should be greatful for the opportunity I had to be with him, and allow things to take its course.  Fighting things never gets anywhere, and it ends up hurting you more than it would if you let them go.  "Let them go - if they come back to you, it was meant to be".  Let nature run its course; let life happen.  Do not dwindle in the hardships of your life, for you know all too well what happens when you lose your self-identity and your mind.  You hate yourself, you become bitter, you do things for the sake of doing them.  You hurt people because you are hurting.  It is not living. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. You are young - explore, love with your whole heart, be compassionate, be kind, and be caring.  The world is filled with hatred and sadness, and you owe it to yourself to be different from the crowd.  You owe it to yourself to achieve personal greatness. Allowing yourself to be spiteful and hateful allows your soul to be confused.  It allows you to stray away from who you are as a person - don't allow that to happen. There will always be people in your way that will live to pull you down.  Don't let them. Fight for who you are and don't let yourself settle for less than you deserve. You deserve greatness, you deserve happiness, and you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally. He is not ready for that.  Let him go, and be there when he IS ready. Help him through the tough times, and know you're a special person because you love yourself. You know you're beautiful.  You know you are great. You've gone through too much shit to fall now.  Do what makes you happy, don't allow yourself to feel sad.  Life is way too short to be feeling negative things all the time. Know you will always love him - know you gave him everything you had - know he will always seem perfect, and give yourself to the flow of life. When you grow old, you will want to teach your grandchildren the experiences you went through.  Help them understand. Tell them of your travels, of your adventures.  This one time when I was living in Kentucky, I slept outside in a boat on a lake.  This one time when I was living in Miami, I went to a nightclub and partied all throughout the night.  This one time I was living in South Dakota, there was over 3 feet of snow and I still volunteered my time to teach Native American middle school students. This one time when I was living in South Carolina, I was a probation officer.  I changed the lives of many people who were fighting a personal battle with themselves.  I helped them achieve their greatness. I hiked the Appalachian trail from start to finish. I spent two weeks camping in the mountains of yellowstone national park.  I hang glided over the grand canyon. I backpacked through Europe with just enough to get by. I did all these things, and I stayed true to who I was. Think about those lessons you can teach others when you grown old. Do not allow others to walk over you.  You are great.

Even if he doesnt want me and wants her, i still would be happy to be living in the area.  i will be available to him if he ends up wanting to be with me again. i dont NEED a man to be happy - sure, its always great to lay down at night and sleep next to someone, knowing that they'll always be there with you, but I can't have that with him.  He's not emotionally ready for what a serious relationship entails. He is still my best friend, and I will still enjoy talking to him and going on adventures with him, but there doesn't NEED to be more.  I am an independent woman, I am beautiful, I am smart. I am driven, I am my own person.  I have given him all that I can give, and if in the end that is not enough for him, then I should feel fine knowing that I did all that I could. I should not have gotten this close to him, as I know that being close to people makes you crazy.  It pushes you away from your goals and needs, it makes you irrational and emotional.  I am a logical person.  I like facts and cold hard evidence. I know what I want out of my life, and he doesn't. That is okay that he doesn't, as I am fully capable of making myself happy.

Cause it’s not my time I'm not going
There's a fear in me it’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh but I won’t go
I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had
I'm in a world that tries to take them away
Oh but I'm taking them back
Cause all of this time I've just been too blind to understand
What should matter to me
My friends this life we live, it’s not what we have
It’s what we believe in